16 April 2009
Dear B,
How did we get like this? Even though I know our issues have been brewing beneath the surface for a long time now, this still came as a huge shock to me. I never imagined a fight we couldn't recover from; we just always seemed to find a way. It's why it took me this long to come to terms with not having you in my life, at least not as much as I would've liked.
I've been living in a little bubble for a long time now, and I know I didn't treat you the way I should've. Although I've gotten better at facing problems rather than running away from them, I still have a long way to go. Everytime I had a sneaking suspicion that your feelings were resurfacing, I'd treat you horribly, trying to reverse them somehow. I know now how badly I handled it. Pretending your feelings didn't exist was easier at the time and denial is a very powerful defense mechanism.
I've come to the realisation that we actually had a quasi-boyfriend-girlfrield friendship. Highsight's funny like that. You definitely went above and beyond the duties of a best friend, and I'm ashamed to say I got more accustomed to that than I should have. I relied on you way too much, called you way to often, at the most ungodly of hours, and you were always so gracious, listening to my most trivial of predicaments. I do wish you got something... anything from our friendship, though I can't for the life of me pinpoint a single thing, and for that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You were a great best friend; better than I gave you credit for. I took you for granted, and I know it's too late now, but I just want to tell you how much everything we've been through means to me. I really have no idea how you stuck around for as long as you did.
I also want to apologise for everything I said the last real time we talked. I acted so rashly, and wasn't thinking how harshly I was coming across. At that point, I was fed up. You were acting grumpy again, and I had suspected you had feelings for me, fully expecting that that recurring cycle of us not talking was coming back around. Marty, just know I wasn't sick of you, I was sick of the cycle. I realise now that in trying to avoid it, I may have been the one to actually restart it. Again, I'm so sorry for what I said, from the bottom of my heart.
Over these past months however, I've realised how much happier you seem; like a burden has been lifted from your shoulders. Of course, it hurt at first. I felt alone, and confused, and abandoned. Everytime I tried to contact you, you were distant, and when you were around me, you always seemed so miserable. I got the message. I finally decided to leave you alone, partly to see if you would intiate contact this time around. I felt every time we had a cyclical break from each other, I was always the one who made the effort to somehow keep our friendship afloat, to keep contact. You yourself said that it was normal for you not to talk to me as often when you had feelings for someone else. That I understood, but I didn't understand why that had to mean we'd have to lose contact altogether, like what had happened last time. You have no idea how hard it is when that time of year came around; not being able to see you, to pick up the phone when I woke up in the morning, or message you a random hello when I'm bored on the bus ride home. I don't let go of people I let myself get close to. Hell, I still have the same best friend as I did when I was eight years old.
And even though it's been hard to let go, the weird part is seeing you happy actually comforted me. I know I screamed I hated you at Pat's and Ian's, but what I really meant was that I hated that I didn't. Even after everything we've been through and after all the shit we've pulled, I genuinely do wish you all the best, and I don't regret for a second that you were a big part of my life once upon a time. There will always be a huge part of me that loves you.
So I've come around to understanding you've been right all along. Maybe it is the best for you that we went our separate ways, and now I'll finally stop harbouring the desire for us to go back to the "good old (old) days". I just want to wish you a very happy 21st birthday for next month, and a very happy rest of your life. I mean it.
With all my heart,
Y
Dear B,
How did we get like this? Even though I know our issues have been brewing beneath the surface for a long time now, this still came as a huge shock to me. I never imagined a fight we couldn't recover from; we just always seemed to find a way. It's why it took me this long to come to terms with not having you in my life, at least not as much as I would've liked.
I've been living in a little bubble for a long time now, and I know I didn't treat you the way I should've. Although I've gotten better at facing problems rather than running away from them, I still have a long way to go. Everytime I had a sneaking suspicion that your feelings were resurfacing, I'd treat you horribly, trying to reverse them somehow. I know now how badly I handled it. Pretending your feelings didn't exist was easier at the time and denial is a very powerful defense mechanism.
I've come to the realisation that we actually had a quasi-boyfriend-girlfrield friendship. Highsight's funny like that. You definitely went above and beyond the duties of a best friend, and I'm ashamed to say I got more accustomed to that than I should have. I relied on you way too much, called you way to often, at the most ungodly of hours, and you were always so gracious, listening to my most trivial of predicaments. I do wish you got something... anything from our friendship, though I can't for the life of me pinpoint a single thing, and for that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You were a great best friend; better than I gave you credit for. I took you for granted, and I know it's too late now, but I just want to tell you how much everything we've been through means to me. I really have no idea how you stuck around for as long as you did.
I also want to apologise for everything I said the last real time we talked. I acted so rashly, and wasn't thinking how harshly I was coming across. At that point, I was fed up. You were acting grumpy again, and I had suspected you had feelings for me, fully expecting that that recurring cycle of us not talking was coming back around. Marty, just know I wasn't sick of you, I was sick of the cycle. I realise now that in trying to avoid it, I may have been the one to actually restart it. Again, I'm so sorry for what I said, from the bottom of my heart.
Over these past months however, I've realised how much happier you seem; like a burden has been lifted from your shoulders. Of course, it hurt at first. I felt alone, and confused, and abandoned. Everytime I tried to contact you, you were distant, and when you were around me, you always seemed so miserable. I got the message. I finally decided to leave you alone, partly to see if you would intiate contact this time around. I felt every time we had a cyclical break from each other, I was always the one who made the effort to somehow keep our friendship afloat, to keep contact. You yourself said that it was normal for you not to talk to me as often when you had feelings for someone else. That I understood, but I didn't understand why that had to mean we'd have to lose contact altogether, like what had happened last time. You have no idea how hard it is when that time of year came around; not being able to see you, to pick up the phone when I woke up in the morning, or message you a random hello when I'm bored on the bus ride home. I don't let go of people I let myself get close to. Hell, I still have the same best friend as I did when I was eight years old.
And even though it's been hard to let go, the weird part is seeing you happy actually comforted me. I know I screamed I hated you at Pat's and Ian's, but what I really meant was that I hated that I didn't. Even after everything we've been through and after all the shit we've pulled, I genuinely do wish you all the best, and I don't regret for a second that you were a big part of my life once upon a time. There will always be a huge part of me that loves you.
So I've come around to understanding you've been right all along. Maybe it is the best for you that we went our separate ways, and now I'll finally stop harbouring the desire for us to go back to the "good old (old) days". I just want to wish you a very happy 21st birthday for next month, and a very happy rest of your life. I mean it.
With all my heart,
Y
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